Some years ago, I asked a question, a very broad, yet very specific question, more out of frustration with life than true curiosity. Now, the question itself, I’ll save for another time but had I known the sacrifice that would soon follow, I never would have dropped such a weighted inquiry. This twisted journey to the answer was more than I ever thought I could endure. It was a very dark time in my life where I can remember going through so much physical and emotional pain all at once that I felt that at any given moment, I would quite literally implode…or drive off a cliff…either would have sufficed quite frankly.
In this society, we tend to “lol” our mental/physical health away if not for fear of judgement, a lack of tools, lack of support, lack of resources, lack of time, lack of empathy or lack of patience, I mean, the list goes on. “I’m fine” worked, until it didn’t. I soon found myself in a space of numbness for self-preservation. Adding to the woes of the time I couldn’t use my one true outlet for release, expression, healing…ART. I think that only an artist can truly understand the angst of “creative block”. It is more like a breath that we can’t quite find. As an artist, it is physically sickening to find yourself stuck in your own mind…in a world of grey, a world straddled between everything and nothingness. Unable to grasp at fleeting moments of inspiration. Unable to dream while awake or asleep. La Tortura!
No matter what I tried my spark just kept dying out. Then something else would go left. Soon, insomnia, depression and fatigue paired with altering realities, inner work, healing past traumas, self-love, etc…all left very little head space for creativity. The more I wanted to focus on creating/working/living, the more crowded my head became with everything else. Soon, I realized that I had to deal with the “everything else” first. I’d reached my limit. I no longer had the capacity to pretend that everything was okay. I could no longer sweep my emotions under the rug. I could no longer “I’m fine” my way through life. I had to face it all. Life forced me to SLOW DOWN, to FEEL, to HEAL, to NURTURE and NOURISH those parts of me left unattended for so long. Once I began working through the backpages of my life, the weight got a little lighter and creativity began to flow through me like water
It’s important to remember, the mind is both powerful and efficient. If you find that you are not able to free your mind of that “thing” that is keeping you mentally bound, you must now face that thing head on. Run through the mud with it, heal it, so that once it’s over, you have no desire to return to that place. Will it be hard? Yeah. Will it get ugly? Chilllllllle, yes. Will you feel like giving up? Absofknlutely, yes. However, you WILL get through it and the clarity you gain from it feels like that gasp of air you’ve been searching for your entire life.
Kanye West said it best, “I just needed time alone with my own thoughts. Got treasures in my mind but couldn’t open up my own vault.” - POWER
Until Next Time,